I hate your face
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Randomize
