I'm going to jail i love you
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
