My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
