So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
