whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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