I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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