the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
