i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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