The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
