Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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