I'm so fucking centered right now
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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