; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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