my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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