I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
