She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
