it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
