Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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