I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
