Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
