my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
