I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
