ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
