chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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