She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
