On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Mom said you looked used
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
