You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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