So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I party with great urgency now.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
