when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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