I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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