found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
