I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
you made out with another girl for some wings
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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