How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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