I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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