She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Sorry about my life...
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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