It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
No subtext here. People are naked.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I have feelings that need drinking.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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