Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
