I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
