Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
