You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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