Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
