I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
