True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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