I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think people are normalizing furries
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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