I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
