my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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