drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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