Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Dick very happy bro
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
