The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
