9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
