News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
