its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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