he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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